(1) Retrenchment letter
Hope you do not receive this letter. Is NO fun reading…..
Dear staff,
Owing to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy since last Christmas, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age on early retirement.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents of Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.
Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives to employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Management of Caring Organisation
(2) Letter of Recommendation for promotion?
Bob is requesting his boss to put him up for promotion. Any chance?
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be dispensed with.
Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible.
A memo was soon sent following the letter:
That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the highlighted words for my true assessment of him.
(3) Get out now!
He approached the young man and calmly said to him, “How much do you earn?”
The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question, he replied,
nonetheless, “I earn $2000.00 a month, Sir. Why?”
Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed $6000.00 cash and gave it to the young man and said,
“Around here I pay people for working, not for standing around looking pretty! Here is your 3 months salary, now GET OUT and don’t come back”.
The young man turned around and flew out of sight.
Noticing a few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner, “And that applies to everybody in this company”.
He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, “Who’s the young man I just fired?”
Sir we had just ordered pizza and – “He was the pizza delivery guy!”
Hope you do not receive this letter. Is NO fun reading…..
Dear staff,
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents of Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.
Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives to employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Management of Caring Organisation
(2) Letter of Recommendation for promotion?
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be dispensed with.
Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible.
A memo was soon sent following the letter:
That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the highlighted words for my true assessment of him.
(3) Get out now!
On walking into the factory, the Managing Director of the company noticed a young guy leaning against the wall, doing nothing..
The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question, he replied,
nonetheless, “I earn $2000.00 a month, Sir. Why?”
Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed $6000.00 cash and gave it to the young man and said,
“Around here I pay people for working, not for standing around looking pretty! Here is your 3 months salary, now GET OUT and don’t come back”.
The young man turned around and flew out of sight.
Noticing a few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner, “And that applies to everybody in this company”.
He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, “Who’s the young man I just fired?”
Sir we had just ordered pizza and – “He was the pizza delivery guy!”
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