Marriage humours

  

Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.

For the married guys, you get three kind of rings in life; engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering. How do you tell if a guy is married?

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure either the car is new or the wife.  If he is driving a car with a woman sitting beside him and both his hands are on the wheel, you can be sure he is married.

More stories…..

(1)  The kidnapped wife

Once a man received a letter from some kidnappers.  The letter said,

” If you do not keep your promise to send us $100,000 we will kill your wife.”

The poor man wrote back,

“I am afraid I can’t keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours.”


(2)  Depressed husband

A friend asked a married guy: “Why are you look depressed.”

“I’m having trouble with my wife.” he sighed. “She said she wasn’t going to speak to me for 30 days.”

“But that ought to make you happy.” his friend asked again.

“It did, but today is the last day.”

(3)  Angry wife
 

An angry wife to her husband on phone:  “Where the hell are you …?”
 

Husband: Darling you remember that jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn’t have money that time and I said “Baby It’ll be yours one day….”
 

Wife, with a smile and blushing: Yeah I remember that my love!
 

Husband: I‘m in the pub just next to that shop and still thinking how to buy the diamonds for you.

(4)  Package deal for businessmen
 

An Airline introduced a Special Package for businessmen. Buy your ticket get your wife’s ticket free. After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives for feedback on the trip.

All of them gave a same reply…”Which trip?”

(5)  A sick husband

A wife brought her seriously ill husband to see a doctor.
 

Doc to wife: Take good care of him. Make sure he has healthy breakfast, be pleasant and in good mood, so don’t discuss your problems, no tv serials don’t demand new clothes and gold jewelleries. Do this for a year and he will be fine.
 

On the way home the husband asked her about the doctor’s advice.
 

Wife: No chance for you to survive, no chance at all. Enjoy all you like !!!

(6) Lion to attack wife
 

In an African Safari, A lion suddenly bounced on Santa’s wife.

WIFE: Shoot him! Shoot him!

SANTA: Yes, yes. I’m changing the battery of my camera…..just in a minute.


7)  Husband talking in sleep 

A lady to doctor: My husband has the habit of talking in sleep! Any cure for him?

Dr: Give him an opportunity to speak when he’s awake.

(8)  Wife’s photo
 

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Darling: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
 

Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

 

Darling: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, “What other problem can there be greater than this?”

 

(9)  Meaning of wife

 

Husband asks: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?

It means…
Without Information, Fighting Every time!
 

WIFE says: No darling, it means:

With Idiot For Ever!

 

(10)  Calling wife from hell

 

A man arrived in Hell and requested to call his wife.

After making the call he asked how much to pay.

Devil: Nothing, Hell to hell is FREE

(11)  Shooting wife
 

Judge: Why did you shoot your wife instead of shooting her lover?
 

Sardar: Your honour, it’s easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week. 

 

(12) Sick husband needs more rest

 

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.

 

Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?

 

Doctor: They are for you!!

(13)  Wedding ring on wrong finger

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,

"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong  finger??"

The other replied, "No, I married the wrong man."

(14)  Divorce POLISH style

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well.

Until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him “very quick.” The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and  asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms
LAWYER “No,” I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
POLE: “It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,”  he responded.
LAWYER: “Does either of you have a real grudge?”
POLE: “No,” he replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
LAWYER: “I mean, What are your relations like?”
POLE: “All my relations are in Poland.”
LAWYER: “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
POLE: “Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set and DVD player with 6.1 sound.  We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”
LAWYER: No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?

POLE: NO, I’m always up before her.
LAWYER: is your wife a nagger?
POLE: NO, she white.
LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?
POLE: SHE going to kill me.
LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I got proof.
LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read — it says,

“Polish Remover.”

(15)  Love your enemy

From his deathbed, the husband called the wife and said: "one month after my death I want you to marry Samy."

Wife exclaimed: "but he is your worst enemy!"

Husband: "yes i know that. I have suffered all these years and so let him suffer my fate too."


(16)  You DONT have to WAKE up!

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees to make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,
“Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?”

Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife’s shoulder and asks,

“Honey, please… just one more time before I die?” she says,

“Of course, dear.” So they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.  Ralph is worried about his impending death, tosses and turns until he is down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. “Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you we could…..?”

At this point the wife sits up and says,

“Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning …. you don’t.”   

Marriage humours (II)

  

To all married personnels and those ready to wed. Peace please! Listen to the guru for some sound advice.

Marriage (Part I)

A typical macho man married a good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: “I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”

His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night… whether you’re here or not.”

(DAMN SHE’S GOOD!)

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever.’

“Yeah?” she replies. “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, “Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.’”

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)



Marriage (Part III)

A doctor husband and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. He gets up in a rage and says, “And you are no good in bed either,” and storms out of the house. After sometime he feels bad and decides to apologise. The phone rings and she picks after many rings, and the irritated husband says, “what took you so long to answer the phone?”

She says, “I was in bed.”

“In bed at this early hour, doing what?”


She says “Getting a second opinion!”

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,” Mother of 6″ in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home ‘Mother of 6?”

His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion shouts right back, “Anytime you’re ready, Father of 4.”

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

Marriage (V)

God may have created man before woman but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece. A man came home a day early from a business trip and discovered his wife in the midst of passionate lovemaking with a total stranger in their bedroom.

He demandingly asked, “What on earth are you doing?!?!!”

The wife turned to the other man and replied, “See, I told you he was as dumb as a post.”

(MAN!WAKE UP!!)

Marriage V1 – A classical hypnotist

A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything – been to several doctors and nothing has worked until one day she was having lunch with a friend who referred her to a hypnotist who, according to her friend “works wonders on anything”.

The woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband,

“Remember those headaches I have been having all of these years?  Well, they are gone. No more headaches.”

The husband asks, “What happened?”

His wife replies, “Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat “I do not have a headache. I DO NOT have a headache. I DO NOT have a headache. Believe it or not, it worked! The headaches are all gone.”

The husband replies, “Well, that is wonderful.”

His wife then says, “You know, you haven’t been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last several years. Why don’t you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?”

The husband is unsure he wants to do that, but agrees to try it.

Following his appointment with the hypnotist, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He rips off her clothes, puts her on the bed and says,”Don’t move. I’ll be right back.”

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps on the bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, “Boy, that was wonderful!”

The husband says, “Don’t move! I will be right back.” He goes back into the bathroom, comes back a few minutes later for round two with his wife — even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning. “This is really great!”

Her husband again says, “Don’t move. I’ll be right back.” With that he goes back in the bathroom.

This time his wife follows and sees him through the open crack in the door standing at the mirror and saying, “She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife. She’s NOT my wife!”

(WOMAN! WAKE UP!!)