For the married guys, you get three kind of rings in life; engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering. How do you tell if a guy is married?
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure either the car is new or the wife. If he is driving a car with a woman sitting beside him and both his hands are on the wheel, you can be sure he is married.
More stories…..
(1) The kidnapped wife
Once a man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said,
” If you do not keep your promise to send us $100,000 we will kill your wife.”
The poor man wrote back,
“I am afraid I can’t keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours.”
(2) Depressed husband
A friend asked a married guy: “Why are you look depressed.”
“I’m having trouble with my wife.” he sighed. “She said she wasn’t going to speak to me for 30 days.”
“But that ought to make you happy.” his friend asked again.
“It did, but today is the last day.”
(3) Angry wife
An angry wife to her husband on phone: “Where the hell are you …?”
Husband: Darling you remember that jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn’t have money that time and I said “Baby It’ll be yours one day….”
Wife, with a smile and blushing: Yeah I remember that my love!
Husband: I‘m in the pub just next to that shop and still thinking how to buy the diamonds for you.
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4) Package deal for businessmen
4) Package deal for businessmen
An Airline introduced a Special Package for businessmen. Buy your ticket get your wife’s ticket free. After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives for feedback on the trip.
All of them gave a same reply…”Which trip?”
(5) A sick husband
A wife brought her seriously ill husband to see a doctor.
All of them gave a same reply…”Which trip?”
(5) A sick husband
A wife brought her seriously ill husband to see a doctor.
Doc to wife: Take good care of him. Make sure he has healthy breakfast, be pleasant and in good mood, so don’t discuss your problems, no tv serials don’t demand new clothes and gold jewelleries. Do this for a year and he will be fine.
On the way home the husband asked her about the doctor’s advice.
Wife: No chance for you to survive, no chance at all. Enjoy all you like !!!
(6) Lion to attack wife
(6) Lion to attack wife
In an African Safari, A lion suddenly bounced on Santa’s wife.
WIFE: Shoot him! Shoot him!
SANTA: Yes, yes. I’m changing the battery of my camera…..just in a minute.
7) Husband talking in sleep
WIFE: Shoot him! Shoot him!
SANTA: Yes, yes. I’m changing the battery of my camera…..just in a minute.
7) Husband talking in sleep
A lady to doctor: My husband has the habit of talking in sleep! Any cure for him?
Dr: Give him an opportunity to speak when he’s awake.
(8) Wife’s photo
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Darling: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, “What other problem can there be greater than this?”
(9) Meaning of wife
Husband asks: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It means…
Without Information, Fighting Every time!
It means…
Without Information, Fighting Every time!
WIFE says: No darling, it means:
With Idiot For Ever!
(10) Calling wife from hell
A man arrived in Hell and requested to call his wife.
After making the call he asked how much to pay.
Devil: Nothing, Hell to hell is FREE
(11) Shooting wife
Judge: Why did you shoot your wife instead of shooting her lover?
Sardar: Your honour, it’s easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.
D
octor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
octor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!!
(13) Wedding ring on wrong finger
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger??"
The other replied, "No, I married the wrong man."
(14) Divorce POLISH style
(13) Wedding ring on wrong fingerAt the cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger??"
The other replied, "No, I married the wrong man."
(14) Divorce POLISH style
A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well.
Until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him “very quick.” The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms
LAWYER “No,” I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
POLE: “It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” he responded.
LAWYER: “Does either of you have a real grudge?”
POLE: “No,” he replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
LAWYER: “I mean, What are your relations like?”
POLE: “All my relations are in Poland.”
LAWYER: “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
POLE: “Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set and DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”
LAWYER: No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?
POLE: NO, I’m always up before her.
LAWYER: is your wife a nagger?
POLE: NO, she white.
LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?
POLE: SHE going to kill me.
LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I got proof.
LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read — it says,
“Polish Remover.”
(15) Love your enemy
From his deathbed, the husband called the wife and said: "one month after my death I want you to marry Samy."
Wife exclaimed: "but he is your worst enemy!"
Husband: "yes i know that. I have suffered all these years and so let him suffer my fate too."
(16) You DONT have to WAKE up!
Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees to make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,
“Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?”
Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife’s shoulder and asks,
“Honey, please… just one more time before I die?” she says,
“Of course, dear.” So they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. Ralph is worried about his impending death, tosses and turns until he is down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. “Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you we could…..?”
At this point the wife sits up and says,
“Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning …. you don’t.”
Until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him “very quick.” The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms
LAWYER “No,” I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
POLE: “It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” he responded.
LAWYER: “Does either of you have a real grudge?”
POLE: “No,” he replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
LAWYER: “I mean, What are your relations like?”
POLE: “All my relations are in Poland.”
LAWYER: “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
POLE: “Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set and DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”
LAWYER: No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?
LAWYER: is your wife a nagger?
POLE: NO, she white.
LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?
POLE: SHE going to kill me.
LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I got proof.
LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read — it says,
“Polish Remover.”
(15) Love your enemy
Wife exclaimed: "but he is your worst enemy!"
Husband: "yes i know that. I have suffered all these years and so let him suffer my fate too."
(16) You DONT have to WAKE up!
Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees to make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,
“Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?”
Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife’s shoulder and asks,
“Honey, please… just one more time before I die?” she says,
“Of course, dear.” So they make love for the third time.
He taps his wife, who rouses. “Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you we could…..?”
At this point the wife sits up and says,
“Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning …. you don’t.”
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