Some Chinese jokes

  

(1)  Grocery shopping

There was a Chinese lady married to an English gentleman living in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English and has problem shopping for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs.  She did not know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she did not know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.  She brought her husband to the store….. so what did? What are you thinking?

HellOOOooooooOOOooo, her husband speaks English!!

 (2)  Grandpa says

If you understand Hokkien dialect, this is funny.

There was an old man who was hit by a can thrown by someone from a flat upstairs.
So he called a neighbour to get his grandson. He told the neighbour to relay the following message to his grandson:

“Kong kong kong, kong kong kong kong, kong kong kong kong.”

Do you know what the old man was trying to say?

What he said would mean, with different Hokkien tones used for each word:

“Grandpa says, a can knocked Grandpa. Grandpa is giddy.”

(3)  KanPei (Cheers)

A Chinese man and an English man were dining in a restaurant.

The Chinese man lifted his glass up and made a toast to the English man, “KanPei” (Cheers). The English man was confused but he continued eating. This happened a few times and whenever the Chinese man wanted to drink he would always say “Kan Pei”. The English man only nodded and silently continued to drink and eat.

Not long after, the Chinese man once again said, “Kan Pei” whilst lifting up his glass.

This time, the English man put down his cutlery and angrily said to the Chinese man,

It’s all right if you can’t pay. So just shut up.  I’ll pay!

(4)  Chinese courier service

No Custom’s check – Forget about DHL, UPS or FEDEX! This beats them all!

 

A family living in the Guangzhou, China, was puzzled when the coffin of their dead grandma arrived from the States sent by one of the daughters. The corpse was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin.

 

When they opened the lid, they found a letter on top of the corpse which read as follows:

 

“Dear Cousins, I am sending Ah-ma (grandma) body to you since it was her last wish to be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home. Sorry, I could not come along as all of my leave entitlements are used up.

 

You will find inside the coffin, under Ah-ma’s body, 12 bottles of Yomeitsu tonic, 10 boxes of American Ginseng and 10 packets of Chinatown Chinese sausage Lap Cheong.  Please share amongst all of you.

 

On Ah-ma’s feet you can find a new pair of Nike Air shoes (size 10) for Ah boy as well as 2 pairs of shoes for Ah Mei’s and Ah Lien’s sons. Hope the sizes are correct. Ah-ma is wearing 6 Calvin Klein T-Shirts. The large size is for Ah Bak and the others are for my nephews. The 2 new Armani Jeans that Ah-ma is wearing are for 2nd uncle’s boys. The Rolex watch that Har Cheong wanted is on Ah ma’s left wrist.  Aunty Pei Pei can have the Tiffany necklace, earrings and ring that Ah Ma is wearing on.  The 6 white Polo cotton socks on Ah ma’s feet are to be divided among my teenage cousins.

 

Let me know what else you need as Ah Kong (Grandpa) is also not feeling well these days.  I can send all required things when our Ah Kong is ready to go back too….”

Now you know why the Chinese are so prosperous.  The Chinese also believe that anything from the dead brings good luck.

(5)  Hello! Can I SPEAK to…..

Real funny conversation…

Lee Sum Wan : Hello can I speak to Annie Wan?
Mr Sori : Yes you could speak to me.
Lee Sum Wan : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Mr Sori : You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Lee Sum Wan : I’m Sum Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! Its urgent!!
Mr Sori : I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what’s this urgent matter about?
Lee Sum Wan : Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is going to the hospital.
Mr Sori : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn’t an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don’t have time for this!!!
Lee Sum Wan : You are rude. Who are you?
Mr Sori : I’m Sori.
Lee Sum Wan : You should be sorry. Now give me your name!
Mr Sori : I’m Sori!!
Lee Sum Wan : I don’t like your tone of voice Mr and I don’t care, give me your name!
Mr Sori : Look lady, I told you already I’m Sori! I’m Sori!! I’m SORI !!! You didn’t even give me your name!
Lee Sum Wan : I told you before I’m Sum Wan! Sum Wan!!! You better be careful my father is Sum Buddy. And my uncle holds a very big position in the company. He is Noe Buddy.
Mr Sori : Oh I’m so scared (sarcastically). Look I don’t care about your uncle he’s a nobody. Everybody thinks his top dog and holding an important position in the company.
Lee Sum Wan : No Avery Buddy just married my aunt. And Avery Buddy doesn’t work there.
Mr Sori : Like I said I don’t care which one of your aunt screws everybody and i also know that not everybody works here! Jeez!!!
Lee Sum Wan : Wheech Wan is my sis!

Mr. Sori : I donch know which one is your sis! Why in God’s name you think I do!?  Look i got work to do and if I’m feeling mischievous I’ll broadcast it on the P.A system saying.

Attention, someone called and said that anyone’s brother just got involved in an accident. But not to worry no one got injured and no one was sent to the hospital. But everyone is going to the hospital anyway.  The father maybe a somebody but if you’re their uncle, you’re a nobody.
”How about that?
]Toot….Toot….Toot……………..