The First Affair – Which hole?
One day a married man was having an affair with his secretary at her place. They had passionate love the whole afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening in the late evening. As the man put on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He then slipped into his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.
“Darling, I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary and we’ve been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.”
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “Don’t fool me! You’ve been playing golf!”
The Second Affair – Not this time!
A middle-aged couple had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. Their wish is to try one last time for a son they always wanted. After months of attempts she finally bore him a healthy baby boy.
On the eventful day, the joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. On the first peep he was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He confronted his wife and told her sternly there was no way he could be the father of that child.
“Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!” Then he gave her a stern look and asked, “Have you been fooling around on me?”
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, “Not this time!”
The Third Affair – monkey business
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he was surprised to see the longest private part in his career.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Schwartz”, said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.”
With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s scaling. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.
“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said when opening his briefcase.
Oh my God!” the wife screamed, “Schwartz is dead!”
The Fourth Affair – Are you hungry?
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. “Hurry,” she said, “stand in the corner.” Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.
“Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered. “Just pretend you’re a statue.”
“What’s this, honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh, it’s a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much; I got one for us too.”
No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
“Here,” he said to the statue, “Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.”
The Fifth Affair – Biting back
A man walked into a night club one night. He went up to the bar and asked for a beer.
Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.”
“One cent?” exclaimed the man.
So the man glanced over at the menu and asked, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?”
“Certainly Sir,” replied the barman, “but that comes to real money.”
“How much money?” inquired the man.
“Four cents,” the bartender replied.
“Four cents?” exclaimed the man. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The bartender replied, “Upstairs, with my wife.”
The man said, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”
The bartender replied, “The same thing as I’m doing to his business.”
The Sixth Affair – Dont talk too much
Becky was maintaining a candlelight vigil by her husband - Jake’s deathbed side. Holding his fragile hand, her tears were dripping down her face. Her prayers roused him from his slumber and he looked up with his pale lips trembling.
“Becky my darling,” he whispered.
“Hush my love,” she said. “Rest, don’t talk.”
He was insistent. “Becky,” he said in his tired voice, “I have something that I must confess.”
“There’s nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Becky, “everything’s all right, go to sleep.”
“No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I … I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!”
“I know, my sweet one” whispered Becky, “let the poison works.“
“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.
“Darling, I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary and we’ve been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.”
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “Don’t fool me! You’ve been playing golf!”
The Second Affair – Not this time!
On the eventful day, the joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. On the first peep he was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He confronted his wife and told her sternly there was no way he could be the father of that child.
“Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!” Then he gave her a stern look and asked, “Have you been fooling around on me?”
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, “Not this time!”
The Third Affair – monkey business
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he was surprised to see the longest private part in his career.
With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s scaling. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.
“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said when opening his briefcase.
Oh my God!” the wife screamed, “Schwartz is dead!”
The Fourth Affair – Are you hungry?
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. “Hurry,” she said, “stand in the corner.” Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.
“What’s this, honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh, it’s a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much; I got one for us too.”
No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
“Here,” he said to the statue, “Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.”
The Fifth Affair – Biting back
Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.”
“One cent?” exclaimed the man.
So the man glanced over at the menu and asked, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?”
“Certainly Sir,” replied the barman, “but that comes to real money.”
“How much money?” inquired the man.
“Four cents,” the bartender replied.
“Four cents?” exclaimed the man. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The bartender replied, “Upstairs, with my wife.”
The man said, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”
The bartender replied, “The same thing as I’m doing to his business.”
The Sixth Affair – Dont talk too much
“Becky my darling,” he whispered.
“Hush my love,” she said. “Rest, don’t talk.”
“There’s nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Becky, “everything’s all right, go to sleep.”
“No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I … I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!”
“I know, my sweet one” whispered Becky, “let the poison works.“
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