Working is no fun! (jokes)

  

Why employees are TIRED…..

Have you wondered why office staff are always dead tired by the end of the day and companies really require no further physical fitness program for their employees. The reason is that EVERYONE gets enough exercise by:  

1.        Jumping to conclusion
2.        Beating around the bush
3.        Running down the boss
4.        Going around in circles
5.        Dragging their feet
6.        Passing the buck



7.        Climbing the ladder
8.        Wading through paperwork
9.        Pulling strings
10.     Throwing their weight around
11.      Stretching the truth
12.      Bending the rules
13.      Pushing their luck

NO WONDER THEY ARE ALL TIRED AT THE END OF A WORKING DAY!!

Why employees are never HAPPY…..

When I take a long time, I am slow. When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.

When I don’t do it, I am lazy. When my boss doesn’t do it, he is too busy.

When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart. When my boss does the same, that is initiative.

When I please my boss, I am ass-kissing. When my boss pleases his boss, he is co-operating.

When I do good, my boss never remembers. When I do wrong, he never forgets.

When I make a mistake, I am an idiot. When my boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.

When I am out of the office, I am wandering around. When my boss is out of the office, he’s on business.

Why employees never find right JOBS…

1. My first job was working in an Orange juice factory, but I got canned. Could not concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just could not hack it, so they gave me the axe. 
 
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but was not suited for it — mainly because it was a sew-sew (so-so) job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

5.  Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just did not have the thyme.   

 

6.  Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it… could not cut the mustard.    

 

7.  My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I was not noteworthy.

 

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor,  but did not have any patience.

 

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just did not fit in. 

 

10. I became a professional Fisherman,  but discovered I could not live on my net income.

 

11.  Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.


12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center,   but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

 

13. After many years of trying to find steady work,  I finally got a job as a Historian – until I realized there was no future in it.

 

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind. 

I decided the best thing to do for me is to RETIRE.

 

Bundle of joy (jokes)

  

(1) How many BABIES?

Four husbands were waiting anxiously in a hospital for their wives to give birth. Soon, a nurse came out from the delivery room and told the first daddy:

“Congratulations, you’ve got twins!”

“Oh!….. maybe it’s just a coincidence” said the daddy, “as I’m working at the Petronas Twin Towers”.

Then another nurse came out of the room and told the second daddy:

“Congratulations, you’ve got triplets!”

“Wooow!, this is a coincidence too” said the second daddy. “I am working for 3M Corporation”.

A while later, another nurse appeared and told the third daddy:

“Congratulations! your wife got quadruplets”

“Thanks God. Perhaps this is also a coincidence”. “I work at Four Seasons Hotel!”

Meanwhile, the fourth daddy-to-be was becoming very worried.

All the 3 daddies asked him: “Why do you look so worried?”

He answered, “I work at Seven-Eleven!”

(2) Who shot the bear?
 

An 80 year old man is having his annual check-up at his doctor’s office. He says to the doctor,

“I’ve never felt better in my whole life. In fact, I have a 20 year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child. What do you think of that !!!”

The doctor thinks for a second and then says,”Let me tell you a story……

I know this guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a hunting season. One day as he’s in a hurry to go hunting he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his rifle. So he’s in the woods and suddenly a giant grizzly bear appears out of nowhere. He raises his umbrella, points at the bear, squeezes the handle and the bear drops dead in front of him.  What do you think of that?”

The old man says, “That’s impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear!”

“EXACTLY” says the doctor.

(3) Rejection

Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are yours??

 No, I work in a condom factory and these are customers' complaints.

Do you know why seawater is always tastes salty?

The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating. Only 10% enters the female.

Sperm whale was named after the milky white waxy substance which appears like semen found in its head. It has the biggest brain, found in an animal in the world –  more than five times heavier than a human’s.
 

Problematic kids (jokes)

  

Case 1: First standard student

A student Mark approached his teacher with a problem: “I’m too smart for the first standard. My sister is in the third standard and I’m smarter than she is! Therefore, I should be in the third standard too!”

The teacher could not handle the matter and brought him over to the principal’s office.

While Mark waited in the outer office, the teacher informed principal of the request. The principal decided to give the boy a test a third standard kid should know and if he failed to answer most of his questions, there is no more consideration and he has to go back to the first standard and behave. The teacher liked the idea too.

Mark was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. You can do the same test as him to judge your own standard.

Principal: “How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Mark: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.

Principal: How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator? (wrong!!)

Mark: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

Principal: The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All of the animals attend… except one. Which animal does not attend?

Mark: The Elephant. It is in the refrigerator.

Principal: There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Mark: I will jump into the river and swim across. It is safe because all the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.

The principal was so impressed, looking at the teacher and told her,
“I think Mark can move to the third standard.”

The teacher said to the principal, “Wait, let me ask him some questions as well?”

Both agreed. The teacher started, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”

Mark, pondered for a moment, “Legs.”

Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal’s eyes open really wide but before he could stop the answer, Mark was taking charge.

Mark replied confidently, “Pockets.”

Teacher: “What’s starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?”

The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Mark is so cool to answer: “Coconut.”

Teacher: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”

Mark said cheekily: “Bubblegum.”

Teacher: “What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?”

Mark gesticulated: “Shake hands.”

Teacher: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?

Mark replied warmly: A “tea bag”.

Teacher: “Now I will ask some ‘Who am I?’ sort of questions. Ok?”

Mark: “Yep.”

Teacher: “You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.”
Mark thought carefully and answered: “Tent.”

Teacher: “A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always gets me first.”

The Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Mark said innocently: “Wedding ring.”

Teacher: “I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.”

Mark pointed: “Nose.”

Teacher: “I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.”

Mark bowed: “Arrow.”

Teacher: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of excitement?”

Mark indicated heat: “Firetruck.”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Mark in the fifth standard, He scored full marks. I missed the last ten questions myself.”

Case 2: Idiots

“Will all the idiots in this room who dirtied the floor please stand up” said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

“Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” enquired the teacher with a sneer.

“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”

Case 3:  Little April

A little girl was fond of sleeping throughout the Sunday school. One day the nun teaching the class called on her while she was napping again.

“Tell me, April, who created the Universe?”

When April did not stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

“GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the nun said, “Very good” and April fell back asleep.

A while later the nun asked April, “Who is our Lord and Saviour?”

This time round April did not even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

“JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the nun said, “Very good,” and April fell back asleep.

After awhile, the nun asked April a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”

Johnny had no choice but to jab her with the pin again.

This time April jumped up and shouted,

“IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!”

The nun fainted…

Funny Indians (jokes)

(1)  Will you MARRY me?

If you are the Indian lady reading this proposal letter, will you marry this faithful suitor?

Really funny.  Have fun reading…

Madam,

I am an olden young man living only with myself in Bangaloru. Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.

I am a soiled son from inside Karnataka. I am nice and big, six foot tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket and I am a good batter and I am fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls.

I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I am gay. Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That is how nice I am.

I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the gym and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb bells in the gym.

I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and take my things into your hand.

If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day. In fact, I will stop pumping dumb bells in the gym.

If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet and looking up with lots of hope. I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.

Expecting soon, Yours and only yours

C.S.V.L.T.Rao

(2) Welcome onboard Air India!

Surinder Singh’s uncle was booked into an Air India flight to Bombay. However, as this was his first time in an aeroplane, he made a few preparations that were out of place.

When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, the uncle declared loudly, ‘I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don’t charge me for food and drinks!’

So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, the uncle began spreading out his own home-cooked meal.

 

The man sitting next to him was an American history researcher and was curious about the food. ‘Excuse me, what is that drink?’ he asked. The uncle picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said,

 

‘Milk of India!’

 

Then the uncle took out several pieces of chappatis and started feasting. ‘And what is that dish?’ asked the curious American..

 

‘Wheat of India!’ replied the uncle proudly.
 

Finally, the uncle took out some desserts. He offered some to the American.

‘What is it?’ asked the American.
 

‘Sweets of India!’ replied the old man. After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud ‘pooooooooot!’ sound from the uncle.

‘What was that?’  asked the American, holding his nose in disgust.

The old man replied coolly,

 

‘That’s Air India.’

(3)  Smart Indians

Three INDIANs and three PAKISTANIs are travelling by train to a Cricket match at the World Cup. At the station, after the three PAKISTANIs buy a ticket each, they notice the three INDIANS buy just one ticket for all of them.

“How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?” asks one of the PAKISTANIs.

“Watch and learn,” answers one of the INDIANs.

On the train the PAKISTANIs take their respective seats but the three INDIANs are seen cramming into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and asks, “Ticket, please.”

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The PAKISTANIs watch this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the INDIAN style on the return trip to save some money. When they get to the station, they get only one ticket. To their astonishment, the INDIANs did not buy any ticket at all!

“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed PAKISTANI.

“Watch and learn,” answers an INDIAN.

When they board the train the three PAKISTANIs cram into one toilet and soon after the three INDIANs cram into another nearby toilet.


The train departs. Not much longer, one of the INDIANs leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the PAKISTANIs are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The INDIAN takes the ticket and goes back into his toilet.

Knowing your pets

 

(1)  Hi Bunnies!


Cartoon bunnies are always seen munching away carrots happily. 


True to give them lots of carrots?  NO!

According to the House Rabbit Society of Singapore, rabbits should be given limited quantities of carrots only once or twice a week.  The sweetness in carrots causes dental problem, weight gain and potentially fatal stomach problems.

So what to include in their diet?  Going back to their ‘wild’ days, they would graze heavily on a range of vegetarians to keep their fast-growing canines down.  Unlike carrot that is starchy, most leafy vegetables are not and contain much water content.  Another good choice to be given unlimited quantities is quality hay.


Can rabbits be picked up by their ears?  NO!

The society advises that rabbit be lifted up by cradling its rump securely to give full support to its weight. A rabbit’s ears are very delicate and should never be squeezed or grabbed.  If you do hold the base of the ears to steady it, then you must already be cradling it securely with your other hand.  It has a very delicate skeleton, and can quite easily fracture its spine if it kicks out in the air while you are holding it incorrectly.


In general, rabbits dislike to be picked up, so learning to render support allows it to be more relaxed before you have them in your arms.

(2) Is too hard for me! - Bones for dogs?

A contented dog is always pictured with a bone locked in its jaws.  However, most of us, including dog lovers do not know that bones can hurt and even cause death.

Small bones such as chicken and duck bones easily splinter when crunched on, and the splinters can pierce the dog’s digestive tract, causing serious injury or death.  Raw bones do not splinter so easily, but raw meat tends to harbour bacteria and other microbes leading to illness in pets.  Those large beef bones are too big and hard to be swallowed, and can damage their teeth.

If you must give something bone-like, a few bone-shaped rawhide treats should suffice because too much can clump in the stomach and cause indigestion.

Some chocolate treats?

In sufficient amounts, the theobromine found in chocolate is toxic to dogs because they are unable to metabolise the chemical effectively. When fed on chocolate, the theobromine will remain in their bloodstream for up to 20 hours, and they may experience epileptic seizures, heart attacks, internal bleeding and eventually death.

Dogs catching sticks?

This can be a dangerous act.  Why?

There have been documented cases in some countries tossing a stick to their pet dog, only to have the stick pierced the dog right down the throat, or through the mouth or body.  In less serious cases, the dog catches the stick, but splinters from the stick pierce its gums and lips.  If it is a hard object, the dog’s teeth can be broken.

Advice is to stick with soft pet toys and soft balls but ensure that they are not small enough to slip entirely into the dog’s mouth and choke it.

(3)  Meow~~I am HUNGRY

  

For cats lovers, please note..

MILK

Surprisingly, many cats are lactose-intolerant to milk especially cow’s milk, like us.  Those that are less lactose-tolerant can be fed with milk occasionally without ill-effect.  Hence, milk should not form part of its diet.


Kittens are like babies, need much calcium and other nutrients in their formative years and milk from mothers’ is the best.  The biological process takes care of that by providing the enzymes to digest this milk. However, the level of enzymes drops gradually as they grow up.  A young adult may have digestive upset after consuming  milk.  Likewise, cats may get diarrhoea after taking milk which may lead to dehydration.

Look out for milk substitute from pet store if your cat loves milk but is lactose-tolerant.

CHOCOLATE

In sufficient amounts, the theobromine found in chocolate is toxic to cats because they are unable to metabolise the chemical effectively. When fed on chocolate, the theobromine will remain in their bloodstream for up to 20 hours, and they may experience epileptic seizures, heart attacks, internal bleeding and eventually death.

FISH

Some fish are good for cats to a certain extent.  It is found that too much fish content can even destroy B vitamins such as thiamine in cats, which may result in seizures and loss of appetite. By nature, cats can hunt, scavenge and consume a wide range of foods, deriving nutrients from many sources.  Hence, relying solely on one food is not a ‘complete’ feline food.  Most cat lovers are not aware of this and overfed their pets with only fish or fish supplements, causing dietary imbalance and throwing a cat’s system off-kilter.  Also watch the bones in fish as vets have seen cases of cats in pain from fish bones stuck in the throat or digestive tract.

Advice is to either keep to a good-quality commercial cat food and feed according to instructions, or discuss with your veterinarian on how to prepare their meals correctly.

Please do not disturb.  I need a nap. Cats love their beauty sleep a lot.

  

STRANGE happenings (+ jokes)

  

Case 1:  See you tomorrow!

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile…. somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband’s funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve reached

Date: September 6, 2012

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here; we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones. I’ve just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW!

Your loving Hubby

Case 2: Toilet

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other cubicle saying: “Hi, how are you?”

I’m not the type to start a conversation in the men’s restroom but I do not know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,

“Doing’ just fine!”

And the other guy says: “So what are you up to?”

What kind of question is that? At that point, I’m thinking this is too bizarre so I say: “Uhhh, I’m like you, just traveling!”

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. “Can I come over?”

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him

“No……..I’m a little busy right now!!!”

Then I hear the guy say nervously…

“Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!”

Case 3:  Enjoy your bus ride

Heard this spooky tale over the radio.  If you are ready, please board the bus….

A bus driver started a fresh day on the road early one morning with few passengers onboard.  About an hour later he realised most if not all commuters have disembarked.  When he looked into the mirror, he saw a young, petite lady in white outfit with white long flowing hairs sitting at the back row alone.

Just when he paused the vehicle momentarily at the light junction, the image seemed to be out of sight.  At this point in time, he was about to make a corner turn and his heart was beating rapidly.  Losing some balance, the swing caused the bus to jolt hard.

When he looked into the mirror again, the image re-appeared with the long hairs covering a pale face.  The sight and thought of it made him shuddered. Nevertheless, he told himself to be calm and slowed the moving pace to observe carefully.  Once again, he looked into the mirror and noticed the image was gone?

The fear was mounting and he drove uncontrollably, causing the bus to wobble badly.  At the next traffic junction, he had to brake abruptly as the amber light was changing red.  He took another peep in the mirror and to his horror, the lady in white had hairs pushed back and blood streaming down her face.

Before he can take a closer look, the white image was moving towards him from behind, touched his shoulder jerkily…..

She whispered breathlessly: ”WHY ARE YOU SUCH A RECKLESS DRIVER.  EACH TIME YOU PAUSED THE VEHICLE, I WAS TRYING TO TIE MY SHOE’S LACE AND BEFORE I DID IT, YOU MOVED AGAIN IN SUCH A VIOLENT MANNER.  YOU WANT TO KILL ME URH ??? “

Hey is time to get down the bus….Don't freeze…..

Some Chinese jokes

  

(1)  Grocery shopping

There was a Chinese lady married to an English gentleman living in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English and has problem shopping for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs.  She did not know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she did not know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.  She brought her husband to the store….. so what did? What are you thinking?

HellOOOooooooOOOooo, her husband speaks English!!

 (2)  Grandpa says

If you understand Hokkien dialect, this is funny.

There was an old man who was hit by a can thrown by someone from a flat upstairs.
So he called a neighbour to get his grandson. He told the neighbour to relay the following message to his grandson:

“Kong kong kong, kong kong kong kong, kong kong kong kong.”

Do you know what the old man was trying to say?

What he said would mean, with different Hokkien tones used for each word:

“Grandpa says, a can knocked Grandpa. Grandpa is giddy.”

(3)  KanPei (Cheers)

A Chinese man and an English man were dining in a restaurant.

The Chinese man lifted his glass up and made a toast to the English man, “KanPei” (Cheers). The English man was confused but he continued eating. This happened a few times and whenever the Chinese man wanted to drink he would always say “Kan Pei”. The English man only nodded and silently continued to drink and eat.

Not long after, the Chinese man once again said, “Kan Pei” whilst lifting up his glass.

This time, the English man put down his cutlery and angrily said to the Chinese man,

It’s all right if you can’t pay. So just shut up.  I’ll pay!

(4)  Chinese courier service

No Custom’s check – Forget about DHL, UPS or FEDEX! This beats them all!

 

A family living in the Guangzhou, China, was puzzled when the coffin of their dead grandma arrived from the States sent by one of the daughters. The corpse was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin.

 

When they opened the lid, they found a letter on top of the corpse which read as follows:

 

“Dear Cousins, I am sending Ah-ma (grandma) body to you since it was her last wish to be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home. Sorry, I could not come along as all of my leave entitlements are used up.

 

You will find inside the coffin, under Ah-ma’s body, 12 bottles of Yomeitsu tonic, 10 boxes of American Ginseng and 10 packets of Chinatown Chinese sausage Lap Cheong.  Please share amongst all of you.

 

On Ah-ma’s feet you can find a new pair of Nike Air shoes (size 10) for Ah boy as well as 2 pairs of shoes for Ah Mei’s and Ah Lien’s sons. Hope the sizes are correct. Ah-ma is wearing 6 Calvin Klein T-Shirts. The large size is for Ah Bak and the others are for my nephews. The 2 new Armani Jeans that Ah-ma is wearing are for 2nd uncle’s boys. The Rolex watch that Har Cheong wanted is on Ah ma’s left wrist.  Aunty Pei Pei can have the Tiffany necklace, earrings and ring that Ah Ma is wearing on.  The 6 white Polo cotton socks on Ah ma’s feet are to be divided among my teenage cousins.

 

Let me know what else you need as Ah Kong (Grandpa) is also not feeling well these days.  I can send all required things when our Ah Kong is ready to go back too….”

Now you know why the Chinese are so prosperous.  The Chinese also believe that anything from the dead brings good luck.

(5)  Hello! Can I SPEAK to…..

Real funny conversation…

Lee Sum Wan : Hello can I speak to Annie Wan?
Mr Sori : Yes you could speak to me.
Lee Sum Wan : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Mr Sori : You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Lee Sum Wan : I’m Sum Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! Its urgent!!
Mr Sori : I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what’s this urgent matter about?
Lee Sum Wan : Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is going to the hospital.
Mr Sori : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn’t an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don’t have time for this!!!
Lee Sum Wan : You are rude. Who are you?
Mr Sori : I’m Sori.
Lee Sum Wan : You should be sorry. Now give me your name!
Mr Sori : I’m Sori!!
Lee Sum Wan : I don’t like your tone of voice Mr and I don’t care, give me your name!
Mr Sori : Look lady, I told you already I’m Sori! I’m Sori!! I’m SORI !!! You didn’t even give me your name!
Lee Sum Wan : I told you before I’m Sum Wan! Sum Wan!!! You better be careful my father is Sum Buddy. And my uncle holds a very big position in the company. He is Noe Buddy.
Mr Sori : Oh I’m so scared (sarcastically). Look I don’t care about your uncle he’s a nobody. Everybody thinks his top dog and holding an important position in the company.
Lee Sum Wan : No Avery Buddy just married my aunt. And Avery Buddy doesn’t work there.
Mr Sori : Like I said I don’t care which one of your aunt screws everybody and i also know that not everybody works here! Jeez!!!
Lee Sum Wan : Wheech Wan is my sis!

Mr. Sori : I donch know which one is your sis! Why in God’s name you think I do!?  Look i got work to do and if I’m feeling mischievous I’ll broadcast it on the P.A system saying.

Attention, someone called and said that anyone’s brother just got involved in an accident. But not to worry no one got injured and no one was sent to the hospital. But everyone is going to the hospital anyway.  The father maybe a somebody but if you’re their uncle, you’re a nobody.
”How about that?
]Toot….Toot….Toot……………..

No parroting please! (jokes)

  

Case 1:  Damn it!

Whilst a guy is browsing in a pet shop, he sees a parrot sitting on a little perch without any feet or legs. The guy says aloud,

"Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot replies, “I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.”

“Holy Shit” the guy replies. “Hey you understand me!”

“I got every word,” says the parrot. “I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird.”

“Oh yeah?” the guy asks out of curiosity, “How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?”

“Well this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my dick around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can’t see it with my feathers covering up.”

“Wow,” says the guy. “So you really can understand and speak English?”

“Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics and philosophy. You really ought to buy me. I’d be a great companion.”

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. “Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.”

“Pssssssst,” says the parrot, “I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!”

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational and has a keen sense of humor, The guy is so delighted to have a pal so interesting, understanding, sympathetical and insightful.

One day the guy gets home from work and is greeted by the parrot motioning him over with one wing. “I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife and the postman.”

“What are you talking about?” asks the guy.

“When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.”

“WHAT???” the guy asks incredulously. “THEN what happened?”

“Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,” reported the parrot.

“NO!” he exclaims. “And she let him?”

“Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over….”

Then the frantic guy demands, “THEN WHAT HAPPENED?”

“Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.

(2)  Catholic parrots

One day, a lady goes to her priest to seek help,

“Father, I have a problem.  My two female parrots can only say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquired.

They say, “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”

“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

“Dont worry,” he said, “I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots – Francis and Peter which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage together. My parrots can teach yours to praise and worship, and soon they would stop saying those terrible words.”

“Thank you,” the woman responded, “this certainly sounds good.”

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw the two male parrots inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes the female parrots cried out in unison: ”Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,

“Put the beads away Frank, our prayers have been answered!”

Nuns can be CRAZY too (jokes)

  

Case 1: Sisters of ST FRANCIS

As a man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, he notices a display sign that reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He blinks his eyes in disbelief and continues to drive on without second thought. Soon another sign appears,

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

For one moment, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. True enough he pasts a third sign showing:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity mounts and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. A nun in a long black habit is at the door to receive him. She asks, ‘What may we do for you, my son?’

He replies, ‘I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.’

‘Very well, my son. Please follow me.’

Leading through many winding passages, he is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, ‘Please knock on this door.’

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.

This nun instructs, ‘Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway’.

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!!!

(2)  The blind man

A nun is undressing for a shower. Whilst standing naked, there is a knock at the door. The nun asks, “Who is it?”

A voice answers, “A blind salesman.”

The nun decides to get a thrill by having the blind man in the room while she is naked so she lets him in. The man walks in, looks straight at the nun and says, “Uhhhh, well hello there, can I sell you a blind, dearie…?”

Case 3: Alcohol is SINFUL

Arriving in New York on a business trip, a guy decided to head to a local bar for a drink. He saw a nun holding a tin cup at the door. As he threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol like how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and a major cause of all the city’s problems.

Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said, “Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn’t make me a bad person. I have a doting wife and two wonderful kids at home. Besides providing for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!”

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, “I see your point my son and I apologize if I have offended you, but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed.”

”Look there you go again,” said the man, “How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?”

“Of course not!” gasped the nun, “The evil alcohol has never touched my lips.”

“Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?”

“Well, I really don’t know …”

“I’ll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I’ll buy you a drink. One drink. I’ll prove to you that “evil” is not inside the glass, it’s inside the person.”

“Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it’s out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you’ve aroused a curiosity in me.”

“Well let’s go inside and settle this.”

“No my son, I could never enter such a place… but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this “scotch” you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I’ll try it.”

“You’re on!” said the guy.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, “Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please.”

The bartender sighed and said, “Is that darn nun out there again!”

Professional jokes

  

(1)  Police officer

A police officer observes this guy who had been weaving his car in and out of the lanes. He taps the guy’s window and says “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”

The man says, “Sorry officer I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”

“Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.” “I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”

“Well, then we need a urine sample.” “I’m sorry officer I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I’ll get really low blood sugar.”

“Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.” “I can’t do that, officer.” “Why not?” “Because I’m too drunk to do that.”

Case 2:  The dentist

Dentist: “I have to pull the aching tooth, but don’t worry it will take just five minutes.”

Patient: “How much will it cost?”

Dentist: ”About $90.00.”

Patient: “$90.00 for just a few minutes work?”

Dentist: “I can extract it very slowly if you like.”

Case 3:  The consultant

A physician, a civil engineer, and a consultant were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.

The physician remarked, “Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world.”

The civil engineer interrupted, and said, “But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world.”

The consultant leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, “Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?”

Case 5:  The psychiatrist

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” he observed.

To the first mom he said, “You are obsessed with eating and even named your daughter Candy.”

He turned to the second mom. “Your obsession is money as manifests in your child’s name, Penny.”

He turned to the third mom. “Your obsession is alcohol and your child’s name is Brandy.”

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on, Dick, let’s go home.”

Case 6:  The psychologist

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “NO! I won’t sleep with you tonight!”

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology, and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200?!”

Case 9:  The lawyer

The lawyer’s son wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father’s firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father’s office, and said, “Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you’ve been working on for ten years!”

His father responded: “You idiot, we could live on the funding of that case for another ten years!”

Case 10:  The top salesman

As an excellent sales executive opened the door of his BMW, a car appeared from nowhere and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the sales guy was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beeeemer!!!”, he whined.

“You salespeople are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!”

“Oh my gaaad….”, replied the guy, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, “Where’s my Rolex???!!!!!”

Source:  http://www.workjoke.com/