ITALIAN men and ENGLISH women (jokes/pics)

  

Nice jokes and beautiful sceneries…

Case 1:  An Italian assignment

There is an English woman who has to go to Italy to attend a 2-week company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her a pleasant trip.



The wife answers: “Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?”



The husband laughs and says: “An Italian girl!!!”



The woman kept quiet and boarded the airplane.



Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks, “So, honey, how was the trip?”



“Very good, thank you.”



“And, what happened to my present?” asks her husband.



“Which present?” she asked.



“The one I asked for?  An Italian girl!!” he remarks.



She said “Oh well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait for few months to see if it’s a girl!!!”



Don’t challenge a woman?  They are dangerously intelligent!!

Case 2:  NO SPEEKA DA ENGLIS

A London bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”

“You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly.  In this country….we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives………

Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi.’”

The Italians have forgotten that in Rome do as what the Romans do??


Case 3:  In the bus

An English woman gets on a city bus.

She looks at the driver and holds up one hand. The driver immediately holds up two hands. Next, the woman points up whilst the driver points down. Then, the woman grabs her breast and the driver grabs his crotch. Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus.

A curious passenger asked the bus driver what the odd motions were all about.

The driver explained, “The woman is a deaf-mute. She asked me if a bus ride is five cents, and I told her it was ten cents. Next, she asked if the bus was going uptown, and I told her it was going downtown. Then, she asked if the bus was going past the dairy, and I told her it was going past the ballpark…”

The passenger interjected, “Okay, but why did she grab her butt as she left the bus?”

The driver continued, She replied “Oh shit, I’m on the wrong bus!”

Resignation Letters

  

In case you have not see this one …

AWARDED THE BEST RESIGNATION LETTER EVER !!!

This is a true story concerning the resignation of a computer guy.

Dear Mr Baker,

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and myself during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen.

I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of “cut and paste” for the hundredth time. You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options.

You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude.

In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is ”I prefer not to comment.” I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your “favourites list”, which I conveniently saved when you made me “back up” your useless files. I do believe that terms like “Lolita” are not usually viewed favourably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to “take pictures of your mothers b-day”, you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those  have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation.

(Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be opened to the public. Never f*** with your systems administrator.

Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!

You can guess by now who resigned? Of course the boss!!

A second resignation letter everyone loves to pen…..

Dear Boss:

I’m resigning with immediate effect!

 

The reason for my resignation is that I cleaned my garage this morning before coming to work and realized I have a serious problem and have to quit working.

Please see for yourself…………

 

I am so blessed.  Now I have to plan how to spend so much money away.

 

Well guess MONEY ANGEL is too kind to me. 

 

Wanna know how to reach out to the angel?

 

DONT DREAM GO BACK TO WORK.

 

Hahaha...... 

You are FIRED! (jokes)

  

(1)  Retrenchment letter

Hope you do not receive this letter.  Is NO fun reading…..
Dear staff,

Owing to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy since last Christmas, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age on early retirement.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).  Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents of Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.

Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives to employees.  Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Management of Caring Organisation

(2)  Letter of Recommendation for promotion?

Bob is requesting his boss to put him up for promotion. Any chance?


Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be dispensed with.

Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible.

A memo was soon sent following the letter:

That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the highlighted words for my true assessment of him.

(3)  Get out now!

On walking into the factory, the Managing Director of the company noticed a young guy leaning against the wall, doing nothing..

 

He approached the young man and calmly said to him, “How much do you earn?”

The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question, he replied,
nonetheless, “I earn $2000.00 a month, Sir. Why?”

Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed $6000.00 cash and gave it to the young man and said,

“Around here I pay people for working, not for standing around looking pretty!  Here is your 3 months salary, now GET OUT and don’t come back”.

The young man turned around and flew out of sight.

Noticing a few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner, “And that applies to everybody in this company”.

He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, “Who’s the young man I just fired?”

Sir we had just ordered pizza and  – “He was the pizza delivery guy!”

Jokes from hospitals

  

Case 1:  At the surgery

One morning a patient arrives complaining of serious backache at the surgery room. The doctor examines his condition and asks: “What the hell did you do to your back?”

The patient replies: “As I left my work at a local night club this morning, I got back home and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been sleeping with my wife and the balcony door was opened. I dashed to check on the balcony but did not find anyone. As I looked down from my apartment  I saw a man running out whilst dressing himself. In a moment of fury, i grabbed the fridge and threw at him,

That’s how I strained my back.”

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor says: “My, the last guy looked bad, but you look terrible. What happened to you?”

He replies: “Having been unemployed for a while now and today being my first day at my new job, I forgot to set my alarm and was late for work. Whist running out of the building, I was getting dressed at the same time, and you would not believe it that I was hit by a fridge threw from above.”

The 3rd patient arrives, he looks much more terrible than the other two patients. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, “What the hell happened to you?”

“Well I was sitting in a fridge and someone threw it from the 3rd floor.”

Case 2:  It doesnt stink

An old guy visited the doctor, “Doc I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me at all. There is no smell and always silent. You may not be aware that I’ve farted at least 20 times for the short time here.

The doctor politely said, “I see. Take these pills and see me again next week.”

The guy got back timely, “Doc, I don’t know what the hell you gave me! Although my farts are silent, the stink is terrible.”

“Good”, the doctor said.”Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”

Case 3: When can I go home?

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while walking past the hospital’s swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end and sank to the bottom of the pool. Edna promptly jumped in to rescue and manage to pull him out.

When the Head Nurse Director was informed of Edna’s heroic act, she was ordered to be discharged from the hospital immediately, as her mental condition was considered stable.

Edna was given the news: ‘Edna, You have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love… I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.  The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’

Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?’

More jokes from the doctors….

1st patient…

A young woman visited her doctor when in pain.

“Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor.

“You have to help me, I am hurt all over”, said the woman.

“What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more specific.”

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.” Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.” Then she touched her right earlobe, “Ow, even THAT hurts”, she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, “You have a broken finger.”

2nd patient

Patient: “Doctor, are you sure I’m suffering from pneumonia? I’ve heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia but finally died of typhus.”

Doc: “Don’t worry, it won’t happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia.”

3rd patient

A guy enters his office with both of his ears bandaged up. The boss says, “What happened to your ears?”

He says, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron.”

The boss says, “Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?” He says, “Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!”

4th patient

Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.

Doctor: Didn’t the new glasses help?

Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.


5th patient

A man required a heart transplant and was told that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup review.

The doctor asks him “How are you feeling?”

The heart patient replies “Not BAAAAD!”

6th patient

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?”

God answered, “No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she was delighted to go the extra mile.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died instantly.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 years, why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the car?”

God replied, “Sorry I didn’t recognize you.”



7th patient

“Why are you so excited?”, the surgeon asked the patient that was about to be anesthetized.

Patient: “Oh doc, this is my first operation.”

Doc “Really? It’s mine too, and I am not excited at all.”

8th patient

In a psychiatrist’s waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other,

“Why are you here?”

The second answers, “I’m Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here.”

The first is curious and asks, “How do you know that you’re Napoleon?”

The second responds, “God told me I was.”

At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, “NO I DIDN’T!”

9th patient

Doctor: You look so weak and exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?

Lady: Doctor, I thought you had said 3 MALES a day.

What happen when two doctors meet?

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks for a dinner date and she accepts readily. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the heat-up session in bed, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.

As she comes back the male doctor says, “I bet you are a surgeon”.

She confirms and asks how he knew.

“Easy, you’re always washing your hands.”

She then says, “I bet you’re an anesthesiologist.”

Male doctor: “Wow, how did you guess?”

Female doctor: “I didn’t feel a thing.”

More jokes can be found at:  http://www.workjoke.com/doctors-jokes.html

Guys who dont behave (jokes)

  

(1)  Urge on friday night

In a kampung, there lived a 25 years old single guy by the name of Chin Chee Hong.  Given his age and vitality, it became a daily ritual to have sex. To quench his thirst, he visited a brothel in his village for prostitution paying $100 each time. This was his favorite pastime until he was retrenched by his company.

Being part of his lifestyle, sex is a must. One fine day as he appeared at the doorstep of the brothel, the pimp Ah Beng smilingly said:

“Chee Hong, come leh, you are our regular customer, give you 20% discount today.”

Without a job he had only $13 in his pocket but the urge was so intense and so he pleaded:

“Eh, friend, today I am left with $13 only, how? Can help me? I BEY TA HAN! (cant control any longer)”

The pimp thought for a while and replied:

“OK, Chee Hong give me $10. Go straight to that room on the right.  She is waiting for you. You can ramp until you are satisfied.”

So off he went in and opened the door. To his astonishment, he saw a big turtle lying on the floor. Unable to endure his urge any longer, there was no choice but to make love to the poor turtle. After completed his business, he went home feeling somewhat satisfied.

The next day, Chee Hong came to the brothel again and looked for the same pimp.

“Beng ah, today I am left with $3. The urge is here again. I beg you to help me.”

The pimp thought for a while and said:

“OK, old friend, give me the $3. Go to the last room on the left.”

Chee Hong went in and opened the door.  To his surprise, he saw about 6 to 7 men peeping through the wall and masturbating. As he had paid, nothing should be missed and he did the same. To his amazement, he saw a naked man making love to a female dog in the next room. He could not help but laughed very loudly while enjoying the scene.

“Ah…ha ha ha aha ha, wow, shiok man, pay $3 can see this type of solid show, so funny.”

The man standing next to him noticed he was so thrilled and said:

“Yesterday, more solid, we all pay only 50 cents to see one stupid fellow having sex with a big turtle. That one, lagi shiok!!!”

(2) Chinese vs Western doctor

Guys:  Have a good laugh. Take care of your precious jewel…..

Whilst travelling in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not usually use a condom. A week later after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately consults a western doctor. As this is an unusual case, the doctor conducts some tests and will reveal the result in two days time. The man returns few days later and the comments are:

“I’ve got bad news for you — you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and pleads:

“Well, give me a shot or something to fix it up, Doc.”

The doctor answers: “I’m sorry, as there’s no known cure yet, we can only amputate your penis.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.”

The doctor replies: “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is the only solution.”

The following day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he will know more about the disease. After examining his penis the doctor proclaims:

“Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease.”

The guy inquiries: “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: “Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!”

Oh, Thank God!” the man is so relieved to hear that.

“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor, “You no worry! Wait two weeks. Fall off by itself! You save money.”

Seniors are always WISER! (joke)

    

Case 1:  Wanna have fun

At a Country Club gathering for the old wealthy gentlemen.

A 70 years old widower, Bob shows up with a breathtakingly beautiful and voluptuous 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who charms everyone with her youthful sex appeal. She hangs over his arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.

When opportunity comes, they cannot wait to ask, ‘Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?’

Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend?  She’s my wife!’

They are stunned, but continue to ask.  ‘So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?’

‘I lied about my age’, Bob replies.

What, did you tell her you were only 50?’

Bob smiles and says, ‘No, I told her I was 90.’

At another end of the room, an 82 year-old man, Charles is seen with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. His doctor who took his physical examination recently is amazed with his ability and wants to find out how he does it.

Doctor: ’You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’

Charles: ‘Just doing what you said, doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”

Doctor: ’I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’

Case 2:  The hotel bill

An old couple is traveling by car from Victoria to Queensland for their second honeymoon.

Being seniors, having been on the road for eleven hours they were too tired to continue and decided to take a short rest for about four hours before getting back on the road again.

When they checked out four hours later, they were shocked to receive a bill of $350.00 at the reception desk.

The man exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so ridiculously high. He told the staff that even though it is a nice hotel, the rooms are not worth $350.00 for few hours. Not satisfied with the staff’s explanation, he insisted on speaking to the Manager.

As the Manager appeared, he listened attentively and then explained that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the hotel guests to use.
“But we didn’t use them,” the husband said.

“Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager said.

“But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” the husband said.

“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, “But we didn’t use it!”

The Manager was persistent, and the man agreed to pay finally. He told his wife to write a check. She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. “But ma’am, this is only made out for $50.00.”

“That’s correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied.

“But I didn’t!” exclaims the Manager.

“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”

(3)  Memory clinic

Two elderly couples were having coffee when one of the men asked the other:

“Fred, how was the memory clinic you attended last month?”

“Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques like visualization and association”

“That’s great! What was the name of the clinic?”

Fred suddenly went blank. He tried very hard to recall but fail. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked,

“What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?”
“You mean a rose?”

“Yes, that’s it!” He turned to his wife. . .”Rose, what was the name of that clinic?”

(4) Old Nuts

A driver is takng off with a full bus-load of seniors for a trip. On the way, a little old lady taps his shoulder and offers a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps again and hands over another handful of almonds. After repeating this nice gesture many times, he inquires why they do not eat the almonds themselves, and her reply is that they have false teeth and unable to chew the nuts.

“Why do you buy them then?” he asks puzzled, whereupon the old lady smiles:

“We just love the chocolate around them!”

(5) Forgive your enemies

Toward the end of the service, the Minister wondered how many of the attendees have forgiven your enemies. A quick hand check revealed a high percentage exceeding 80%.

To reinforce what was mentioned, he repeated his question and this time all responded, except one small elderly lady.

”Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”

”I don’t have any.” She replied with a sweet smile.

”Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?”

”100 years old.” She replied.

”Oh Mrs. Jones. Would you please come down to the front and tell us all how a person can live to a ripe old age without any enemy in this world.”

She tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: “I outlived the BITCHES!!!


Who dares to say growing old brings no wealth????

 

See how much accumulated wealth are there:

 

+  Silver in the Hair.

+  Gold in the Teeth.

+  Stones in the Kidneys.

+  Sugar in the Blood.

+  Lead in the Feet.

+  Iron in the Arteries.

 

And an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas !

 

For all SMART Men and Women

  

THIS JOKE IS FOR SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO THE SMART GUYS WHO CAN HANDLE IT.

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman=pregnancy

______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

_____________________________
SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn’t need.

_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS




A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Guys do not promise your woman too early that you love her so much to go through hell for her. After married you would really get there.
______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.  Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________

WOMAN – Even if you are smart, take note:

At 18 – You are a football, 22 men going after you.

At 28 – You are a hockey ball, 8 men going after you.

At 38 – You are a golf ball, 1 man hitting on you.

At 48 – You are a ping-pong ball, 2 men pushing to each other.

MAN – Even if you are a smart guy, dont laugh at the woman yet.

At 20 – You are like a coconut, so much to offer, so little to give.

At 30 – You are like a durian, dangerous but delicious.

At 40 – You are like a watermelon, big, round and juicy.

At 50 – You are like a mandarin orange, the season comes once in a year.

At 60 - You are just like a raisin, dried out, wrinkles and cheap.

Continue to be smart and happy!

Real SMART guys (jokes)

  

Case 1:  Only when it rains….

There is a woman who likes to bring guys into her house when her husband is at work. On a wet and lusty day she was in bed a new boyfriend. Suddenly, she heard her husband’s car pulled into the driveway. Horrified, she screamed:

“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

 

“I can’t jump out the window!” came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets “Cant you see it’s raining out there!”

 

“If he catches us in here, he is going kill us both!” she replied. “He’s very hot tempered and has a large gun!  Get out now fast!”

 

The lover had no choice but to jump out of bed, grab his clothes and flung out of the window.

Running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly realised he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon with many participants. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to go with the crowd. A small group of runners caught up with him and out of curiosity, jogged closer.

 

“Do you always run in the nude?” one asked.

 

“Oh yes” he replied, gasping in air. “It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you’re running.”

 

A second runner asked. “Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?”

 

“Oh, yes” he answered breathlessly. “That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”

 

A third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried:  “Do you always wear a condom when you run?”

 

“Only if it’s raining.” he answered matter of fact.

Case 2:  You know who I am?

On his first day in a big multinational company a trainee dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone, ”Get me a coffee quickly!“

The voice from the other side responded, ”You fool!

You’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to, dumbo?“

” No“, replied the trainee.

”It’s the Managing Director of the company, you idiot! ” the MD responded.

The young man shouted back,

” And do you know who you’re talking to, you old fool?“

” No“, replied the MD.

”Thank God!”, replied the trainee, and he quickly put down the phone.

(3)  Knowledge is POWER

During a robbery in Guangzhou, China, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank:

”Don’t move. The money belongs to the State. Your life belongs to you.”

Everyone in the premises froze.
(This is called “Mind Changing Concept”. Changing the conventional way of thinking.)

When a lady laid on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her:

”Please be mindful of your modesty! This is a robbery and not a rape!”
(This is called “Being Professional”. Focus only on what you are trained to do!)

When the bank robbers got home, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (lowly educated):

“Big brother, let’s count how much we got.”

The older robber rebutted and said:

“You are very stupid. It takes a long time to count so much money. Wait for the TV news tonight to disclose the amount robbed from the bank!”
(This is called “Experience”. Paper qualifications not required.)

After the robbers had left, the bank manager instructed the bank supervisor to alert the police quickly. The supervisor had more in mind:

“Wait! Let us take out another $10 million from the vault to add on to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”.
(This is called “Swim with the tide”. Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!)

Both agreed: “It will be good if there is a robbery every month.”
(This is called “Killing Boredom”.  Personal Happiness is more important than your job.)

So the TV news reported that $100 million was removed from the bank. The robbers counted several times but could only find $20 million.  They were very angry and complained:


“We risked our lives for this sum. The bank personnels took $80 million without lifting their fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!”
(This is called “Knowledge is worth as much as gold!”)

The bank manager and his supervisor were laughing to the bank and their recent losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery.
(This is called “Seizing the opportunity”. Daring to take risks!)

Tales of the priests (jokes)

  

NO OFFENCE.  JUST FOR LAUGHS.....

(1)  VODKA or the PRIEST
‏
At his first mass, a new priest was trembling and could only murmur. After the session he approached the monsignor to seek help.

The monsignor replied, “I usually put a glass of vodka next to the water glass so when I get nervous on the pulpit I would take a sip.”

The new priest decided to try out this way too. On the following Sunday, before the sermon began, he got so tense and took a mouthful.  He managed to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off  his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

(2)  Hi! FATHER!! is ME !!!

Two priests decided to take a vacation in Hawaii without any fuss. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. to avoid being recognised as clergy.


The next morning they were on the beach dressed in their trendy outfits. Sitting on the deck chairs, enjoying the drinks, sunshine and the waves, they were greeted by a “drop dead gorgeous” blonde in a thong bikini. They could not help but stare. As the blond passed by she smiled and said:

“Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father.” nodding and addressing each of them individually, and breezed off.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?  So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

Appearing the next day in their loud new attire, they settled on the spot again. To their pleasant surprise, the same gorgeous blonde wearing a string, moved toward them and acknowledged:

“Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father.” and started to walk away.

One of the priests could not take it any longer and said:

“Wait a minute young lady”

“Yes, Father?”

“We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?”

“Father, it’s me, Sister Angela.” she replied.

(3)  IS DARK IN HERE….

Are you scared of darkness?

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also gets home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says,'Dark in here.'

The man says,'Yes, it is.'

Boy:'I have a baseball..'
Man:'That's nice'
Boy:'Want to buy it?'
Man:'No,thanks.'
Boy:'My Dad's outside.'
Man:'OK, how much?'
Boy:'$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy:'Dark in here.'
Man:'Yes,it is.'
Boy:'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover,remembering the last time, asks the boy,'How much?'
Boy:'$750'
Man:'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'

The boy says,'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks,'How much did you sell them for?'

Boy:'$1,000'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends this way. I'm taking you to church to make confession.'

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says,'Dark in here.'

The priest says,'Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now." 

Case 4:  No shit!

After a sermon, a man went up to shake the preacher’s hand. He said,‘Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!’

The preacher said, ‘Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.’

The man said, ‘I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!’

The preacher said, ‘No shit?’   

HEAVEN and HELL (joke)

  

Three women died together in an accident and arrived at the Heaven’s gate. St. Peter warmly welcomed them but cautioned, “We only have one rule here in Heaven:

“DONT STEP ON THE DUCKS!”

Upon entering Heaven, they spotted ducks everywhere and was almost impossible not to step on any. As much as they tried their best to avoid the ducks, the first woman accidentally landed on one.

Along came St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw when alive. St. Peter chained them together and said, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity with this ugly man!”

The following day, the second woman committed the same mistake and met with the same fate,

The third woman had observed the tragedies and, not wanting to be punished the same way, was extra careful with every single step she took. She managed to go months without stepping on any ducks.

To her pleasant surprise, one day St. Peter came up to her with the most gorgeous Adonis she had ever laid eyes on – good height, tan, muscular and with golden hairs. St. Peter chained them together without a word.

The woman remarked, “I wonder what I did to deserve being with you for all of eternity?”

The pitiful guy said, “Well, I don’t know what you did, but I stepped on a duck.”

KEYS TO THE CHAMBERS

After their deaths, two men and a woman had to appear at the Judgment Corner to decide on their next posting. The Judge holds big and small keys – big to the Heaven’s chamber and small to the Hell’s entrance door.

Judge to first man: Do you think you have done enough good deeds in your lifetime?

He proudly said: I was a doctor and took care of many patients very well and free for the poor ones.

Judge:  Well done. You can proceed to the Heaven’s chamber with the big key.

The doctor was overjoyed and disappeared immediately.

The second man’s turn and was asked the same question.

He gladly replied: Yes, I was a champion lawyer and chose to redress only those who were aggrieved to uphold justice.

Judge: Excellent. Your record shows you really have done a wonderful job. Take the big key to open the Heaven’s gate.

The lawyer was so excited and rushed off. The third person, a prostitute stepped forward.

Judge to the sexy lady: Are you as kind and generous as the other two guys?

Lady: Yes of course. I offered my body for a good cause so that the society can stay crime free and there would not be any rape case or illicit affair.

Judge: You are really great indeed.  Shall reward you accordingly.

She was handed the smaller key.

Lady: Sir, I deserve to go Heaven. Can I have the big key please.

Judge:  Dear, this small key is to my bedroom. You have to accommodate my request this time. I have enough of Hell. Let me experience how it is like to be in Heaven please!