NO OFFENCE. JUST FOR LAUGHS.....
(1) VODKA or the PRIEST
At his first mass, a new priest was trembling and could only murmur. After the session he approached the monsignor to seek help.
The monsignor replied, “I usually put a glass of vodka next to the water glass so when I get nervous on the pulpit I would take a sip.”
The new priest decided to try out this way too. On the following Sunday, before the sermon began, he got so tense and took a mouthful. He managed to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
(2) Hi! FATHER!! is ME !!!
Two priests decided to take a vacation in Hawaii without any fuss. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. to avoid being recognised as clergy.
The next morning they were on the beach dressed in their trendy outfits. Sitting on the deck chairs, enjoying the drinks, sunshine and the waves, they were greeted by a “drop dead gorgeous” blonde in a thong bikini. They could not help but stare. As the blond passed by she smiled and said:
“Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father.” nodding and addressing each of them individually, and breezed off.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
Appearing the next day in their loud new attire, they settled on the spot again. To their pleasant surprise, the same gorgeous blonde wearing a string, moved toward them and acknowledged:
“Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father.” and started to walk away.
One of the priests could not take it any longer and said:
“Wait a minute young lady”
“Yes, Father?”
“We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?”
“Father, it’s me, Sister Angela.” she replied.
(3) IS DARK IN HERE….
Are you scared of darkness?
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also gets home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says,'Dark in here.'
The man says,'Yes, it is.'
Boy:'I have a baseball..'
Man:'That's nice'
Boy:'Want to buy it?'
Man:'No,thanks.'
Boy:'My Dad's outside.'
Man:'OK, how much?'
Boy:'$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy:'Dark in here.'
Man:'Yes,it is.'
Boy:'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover,remembering the last time, asks the boy,'How much?'
Boy:'$750'
Man:'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says,'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks,'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy:'$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends this way. I'm taking you to church to make confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says,'Dark in here.'
The priest says,'Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now."
Case 4: No shit!
After a sermon, a man went up to shake the preacher’s hand. He said,‘Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!’
The preacher said, ‘Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.’
The man said, ‘I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!’
The preacher said, ‘No shit?’
(1) VODKA or the PRIEST
At his first mass, a new priest was trembling and could only murmur. After the session he approached the monsignor to seek help.
The new priest decided to try out this way too. On the following Sunday, before the sermon began, he got so tense and took a mouthful. He managed to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
(2) Hi! FATHER!! is ME !!!
Two priests decided to take a vacation in Hawaii without any fuss. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. to avoid being recognised as clergy.
The next morning they were on the beach dressed in their trendy outfits. Sitting on the deck chairs, enjoying the drinks, sunshine and the waves, they were greeted by a “drop dead gorgeous” blonde in a thong bikini. They could not help but stare. As the blond passed by she smiled and said:
“Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father.” nodding and addressing each of them individually, and breezed off.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
Appearing the next day in their loud new attire, they settled on the spot again. To their pleasant surprise, the same gorgeous blonde wearing a string, moved toward them and acknowledged:
“Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father.” and started to walk away.
One of the priests could not take it any longer and said:
“Wait a minute young lady”
“Yes, Father?”
“We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?”
“Father, it’s me, Sister Angela.” she replied.
(3) IS DARK IN HERE….
Are you scared of darkness?
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also gets home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says,'Dark in here.'
The man says,'Yes, it is.'
Boy:'I have a baseball..'
Man:'That's nice'
Boy:'Want to buy it?'
Man:'No,thanks.'
Boy:'My Dad's outside.'
Man:'OK, how much?'
Boy:'$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy:'Dark in here.'
Man:'Yes,it is.'
Boy:'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover,remembering the last time, asks the boy,'How much?'
Boy:'$750'
Man:'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says,'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks,'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy:'$1,000'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says,'Dark in here.'
The priest says,'Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now."
Case 4: No shit!
After a sermon, a man went up to shake the preacher’s hand. He said,‘Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!’
The preacher said, ‘Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.’
The man said, ‘I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!’
The preacher said, ‘No shit?’
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