Three CLEVER women (joke)

1st woman: Men! Wake up!!

As he was going to inherit a fortune from his sickly, old widower father, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles’ bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

“I’m just an ordinary man,” he said, walking up to her, but in just a week or two, my father will die and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars and would like to have someone to share it with.”

The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.


2nd woman: Men! Fooled again!!

An old couple was married for many years but could not get along with each other. After a confrontation, they would be heard screaming and yelling deep into the night. 

The old man would shout, ‘When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!’

Neighbors were scared of his curse. They believed he practised black magic after witnessing many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone’s relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, ‘Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said, ‘Let him dig. I had him buried upside down……’

3rd woman: Men! Never learn!!!

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who the hell was that?”

”Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

”Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”

”I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

”Who’s that woman with Jim?” asks the wife.

”That’s his mistress,” says her husband.

”Ours is prettier,” she replies.

Dont play monkey trick on monkeys! (joke)

A Bihari hat-seller who happened to pass by a forest decided to take a nap under one of the trees leaving his whole basket of hats by the side. A few hours later, he woke up to find all his hats disappeared.

 

When he looked up, he was surprised to see so many monkeys up the tree with all his hats up in the air. Pausing for a moment, he sat down to think how to get the hats down. While thinking he started to scratch his head. The next moment, the monkeys were doing the same. Then he removed his hat and the monkeys did exactly the same. An idea came to him, he took his hat and threw it on the floor and the monkeys did that too. So he got back all his hats without any fuss.

Fifty years later, his grandson, Laloo, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandpa.


Like his grandpa, he passed by the same forest one day. It was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree leaving the hats on the floor. When he woke up all his hats were gone. Again, the mischievous monkeys had them on the tree. He remembered his grandpa’s words, began to scratch his head and noticed the monkeys following. It works! Next, he removed his hat and fanned himself and the monkeys repeated his actions.

Now, very convinced of his grandpa’s idea, Laloo threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still held on to all the hats. Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat lying on the floor, gave him a slap and said:
………………….
………………….
………………….
………………….
………………….
………………….

Guess What????????
………………….
………………….
………………….
………………….
………………….

“You think only you have a grandpa!!

Hahahahahhahaha…………..

Ah Pek is DAMN good! (joke)

 

Really funny story about how the Chinese won the stay in Italy about a century or two ago….

 

At that time, the Pope decided that all the Chinese had to leave the country. There was an unusual commotion from the Chinese community. To be fair, the Pope agreed a religious debate would be arranged to decide on the fate. In the event that the Chinese won, they could stay. Of course, they have to leave if the Pope won.

 

The Chinese community picked Ah Pek, the wisest old man to represent. As he was not conversant in the foreign language, both sides finally agreed that the debate would be conducted in a ‘silent’ manner.

 

On the eventful day, Ah Pek sat nervously facing the Pope. After a minute or so, the Pope broke the silence and started the session.

He raised his hand and showed three fingers.

Ah Pek responded by raising one finger.

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.

Ah Pek pointed to the ground at where he sat.

The Pope pulled out a loaf and a glass of wine.

Ah Pek pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said: ”I give up. This man is too good in religious knowledge. The Chinese can stay!”

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened.

What the Pope said…..

“Firstly, I held up three fingers to represent the holy trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.

Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and indicating that God was also right here with us.

When I pulled out the wine and loaf to show that God absolves all sin, he showed me an apple to remind us of the original sin.

Clearly, he understands our religion and has an answer for everything. What could I do?”

Meanwhile, the Chinese community was overjoyed and keen to know what transpired during the debate.

What Ah Pek said….

“Well, first he was adamant that all Chinese had 3 days to leave the country.

I raised my third finger to signal in a nasty manner that none of us was leaving.

Then he pointed that this whole city would be rid of Chinese. I showed him that we are here to stay.

When he took out his lunch pack, I was hungry and took out mine too.”

Morale of the story: If in doubt, remain silent. Gestures only may help alot.

LOVING what we HAVE

 

 

This article is copied from an unknown source which all of us should read at least once in our lifetime because we only live that much….

Are you the LOST generation on this high-speed highway of your life journey?

We live in a fairyland era of EXCESS and ACCESS.

There is too much excess for most of us because we have so much to choose from and access because we have so much freedom to choose.

From hi-tech toys to multi-media, high fashion to waterfront homes, chemical distractions to fast lovers, this world offers us an endless array of possibilities. It is all about momentary pleasures, staying in the fast lane, retaining membership in the club of looks and possessions.

The confines of tradition, the prejudice of gender and race, the oppression of politics, the dividing power of distance – all these, though not completely removed, do not bind our feet like they did our forefathers.

Today, no one has to feel embarrassed about wanting more, making more money, deserving better, buying more things, having more lovers.

Ambition is used as a euphemism for greed. Honestly, are we happier than before?

So much of our society is disposable – we see, we want, we use, we throw. More than ever, human beings are buying and using things they do not really need. Our landfills are choking with rubbish, and our debts are ballooning. Yet the buying frenzy does not seem to be losing any steam.

Are we getting caught up in the wrong lanes? Is our focus causing us to ultimately lead empty, meaningless lives? How can we stop the seething, rumbling, fast-exploding machine of industry and greed?

The answer is LOVE – learning to love the things and people we already have. Truly understanding and appreciating them, discovering aspects of them that eluded us before.

If you love what you have, you do not feel the need for more. If you love what you have, you are not going to throw something out once it gets a little worn. You will see the deeper beauty that lasts infinitely longer.

If you love what you have, you will be very careful what you buy or who you choose to be with, because it has to be something you can love, not simply a trial or plaything.

Take a closer look at your possessions and relationships – your clothes, your car, your furniture, your gadgets, your partner. What can you learn to love and appreciate more? What can you recycle or maintain?

Instead of dreaming about buying something new, think about how you can make the most out of what you already have.

Wanting more can never make you happy.

THE KEY IS LOVING WHAT YOU HAVE.




In conclusion….

Knowing what you WANT and NEED make you more focused to live a more meaningful life. It saves the hassle of acquiring something and quickly disposing it for supposedly a better one. Why not appreciate what we have on hand and make the most out of it. The happiest of people do not necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

In essence,

"OUR NEEDS ARE FEW. OUR WANTS ARE MANY. 

IN DEALNG WITH THE HEART’S DESIRE, ASK YOURSELF THESE QUESTIONS: DO I NEED IT?  DO I WANT IT?  CAN I ACQUIRE IT?  SHOULD I ACQUIRE IT?"

Focus on PROBLEM vs SOLUTION

Do not complicate matters. Simplicity is beautiful as enumerated from the two incidents below….

 

When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out that the pens would not work at zero gravity given the fact that ink does not flow down to the writing surface.

To solve this 'difficult' problem, it took them a decade and $12 million. They developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, in virtually any surface (including crystal) and in a temperature range from below freezing to over 300 degrees C.

The Russians came up with a simple solution. 
They used a Pencil!!!


One of the most memorable case studies on Japanese management was an empty soap box case, which happened in one of Japan’s biggest cosmetics companies. One day a consumer complained of a purchase of an empty soap box.

The Authorities decided to take the matter seriously and isolated the problem to the assembly line, which transported all the packaged boxes of soap to the delivery department. For an unknown reason, a soap box went through the assembly line emptied.

The engineers were designated to look into the 'serious' problem immediately. They worked tirelessly to devise an X-ray machine with high-resolution monitors manned by two people to watch all the soap boxes that passed through the line to make sure they were no empty boxes. The solution seemed good but huge amount was expended.

In another smallish company, when a rank-and-file employee was posed with the same problem, he did not use sophisticated method but came out with a simple solution instead.

When a strong industrial electric fan pointing at the assembly line was installed, all the soap boxes have to passed through it and any empty one would be blown out of the line.

Moral of the story:

KISS (Keep It Simple, Stupid) i.e. always look for simple solutions. Devise the simplest possible solution that solves the problem. So, learn to focus on solutions not on problems.

“If you look at what you DO NOT have in life, you don’t have ANYTHING”

“If you look at what you HAVE in life, you have EVERYTHING”

KEEP LIFE SIMPLE AND YOU CAN BE THE HAPPIEST PERSON AROUND!

All about MOLES

 

There are several skin lesions that are very common and benign (non-cancerous) appearing as moles, freckles, skin tags, benign lentigines and seborrheic keratoses.

What is a mole?

A common mole is a growth on the skin that develops when pigment cells (melanocytes) grow in clusters with most adults having between 10 and 40 common moles. Such growths are usually found above the waist on areas exposed to the sun and are seldom found on the scalp, breast or buttocks.

The characteristics of a common mole are:

- usually smaller than about 5 mm wide (about 1/4 in, the width of a pencil eraser).
- round or oval, has a smooth surface with a distinct edge and is often dome-shaped.
- even color of pink, tan or brown. (People who have dark skin or hair tend to have darker moles than people with fair skin or blonde hair).
- may darken when exposed to sun, pregnancy or during the teen years.

Although common moles may be present at birth, they usually appear in early childhood and continue to develop new ones until about age 40. As the years passed, moles usually change slowly, becoming raised and/or changing color. Some moles may not change at all, whilst others may slowly disappear over time. In older people, common moles tend to fade away.

How to detect if a Mole Is Cancer?

For most people, moles are not dangerous. The only moles that are of medical concern are those that look different than other existing moles or those that first appear after age 30. You just have to be careful:

+ If you spot changes in a mole’s color (eg. uneven color with dark brown centers and lighter) height (usually flat), size (larger than a pencil eraser) or shape (irregular or uneven edges), or visible signs like bleed, ooze, itch, texture becomes tender or painful.

+ If you see a new mole that does not look like your other moles.

People with higher chance -

+ Congenital nevi are moles that appear at birth occuring in about one in 100 people. These moles may be more likely to develop into melanoma (cancer) than are moles that appear after birth. A mole or freckle should be checked if it has a diameter of more than a pencil eraser or any characteristics listed below.

+ People with dysplastic nevi may have more than 100 moles and have a greater chance of developing melanoma, a serious form of skin cancer. Beware when any mole has color, surface and border different and is more than 5 millimeters wide. Check especially areas exposed to the sun, such as on the back.

+ People who are constantly exposed to high level of sunlight or artificial tanning. This applies more to those with fair (pale) skin that burns easily in the sun.

+ Melanoma may run in families. People who have two or more family members with melanoma face increased risks. In rare cases, members of a family with inherited disorder has skin extremely sensitive to the sun and greatly increases the chance of melanoma.

What to do?

+ Examine your skin with a mirror or ask someone to help you. Pay special attention to areas of the skin that are often exposed to the sun, such as the hands, arms, chest, neck, face and ears. If a mole does not change over time, there is little reason for concern.

+ Everyone should protect their skin from the sun and stay away from sunlamps and tanning booths, but for people who have dysplastic nevi, it is even more important to protect the skin and avoid getting a suntan or sunburn.

+ Any changes in a mole should be checked by a dermatologist to evaluate for skin cancer. The only way to diagnose melanoma is to remove tissue and check it for cancer cells. Also, if you have a new mole, or if you want a mole to be removed for cosmetic reasons, talk to your dermatologist.

But, before you do so, you may want to know what lies behind each mole……

In the traditional Chinese society, the belief that moles can be lucky or unlucky depending on their location, colour and size. Examples are – mole can be a tiny black speck on the feet signifying opportunities for travel, or it can be a dark red dot on the hand, often indicating a particular skill or luck. Moles on our backs denote some kind of burden we have to carry, while moles at the front of our bodies are said to attract success luck.

 

The saying continues that moles are in reality secret imprints carried over from our previous lives, stamps of some past karmic deeds meant to materialise in this lifetime, both the good and bad. They can also convey messages of good fortune and misfortune that reflect important turning points of our life.

In certain traditions, the messages of moles were quickly picked up and if translated into ill fortune to befall a family, the particular member can be penalised unnecessarily. Many cultures contend that the larger and more prominent the mole, the greater its power (contradicts above medical findings). Another widely held belief is that lighter-coloured moles spell better fortune.

Check yourself to see if the reading is accurate…

Arms

Moles on the arms indicate that the person is polite, diligent and leads a happy married life. If mole is near the elbow, you need to work hard for everything you get. You could also be involved in a very physical kind of work.

A mole on the inside curvature of your arm suggests that it is hard for you to get recognition for the hard work you do. Getting the results you want could be elusive. For a woman, likely cannot keep a secret though she does not mean any harm but just loves to talk.

Wrist
A mole on the wrist indicates that the person is frugal, ingenious and dependable.
A mole on your inside wrist means you love spending money and have a hard time hanging on to your wealth. Practise giving to charity to ensure you have plenty of money to spend and give away. When the mole is on the left hand, it means money flows out faster than you can make it. On the right hand, some say this mole attracts a flow of money.

Finger
People who have a mole on any finger turn out to be dishonest and tend to grossly exaggerate.

Hand
Those people who have a mole on their hand are talented and make a success of their lives.

Elbow
People with moles on their elbow are adventurous and love to travel.

Shoulder
A mole on the right shoulder indicates a sensible, industrious individual. Life is quite a challenge for you and there are times when things do not work out well. The good news is that if the mole is red in colour and appears more towards the front than the back, it is a matter of time you rise to the occasion.

Neck
If the mole is on the front of the neck, it signifies unexpected good fortune. If it is on either side of the neck, it indicates an easily stressed person with an unreasonable temperament. A mole on the back of the neck indicates a person’s desire to lead a simple life.

Armpits
A mole under the left arm is indicative of great struggle early in life, which is well rewarded later. One on the right arm indicates need to be alert and cautious in matters of security.
If the mole is hidden deep inside the armpit, it means you will attain a high rank in life.

Breast
A mole close to the middle of the front chest here indicates you must be careful about your eating habits, especially if the mole is black and prominent. On the plus side, if the mole is light-coloured, it means your spouse loves you a lot and your obedient children bring you much happiness.

A mole on the right breast is indicative of laziness, which may affect family life. You need to be assertive about your needs to be able to enjoy the love and comfort of the children. A mole on the left breast belongs to active and energetic people, who are blessed with what they want in life. When moles appear in pair, they indicate extreme good fortune.

A mole in the centre between the breast suggests someone who is generous, kindhearted, honourable and honest in conducting business.

Nipple
If a man has a mole on his nipple, it indicates a fickle nature.
If a woman has a mole on her nipple, it indicates that she is striving for social status.

Naval
A mole here signifies great wealth luck, especially if it is small, dark and clearly visible. If it touches the navel, you can become enormously rich. A woman who has the same desires children.

Having a mole on either side of your lower abdominal area blessed you with a great look and a great looking spouse.

Back
Men who have a mole at the centre of their back are constantly plagued by backache arising from endless problems. For a woman, it signifies one who has to bear the burden of many heavy responsibilities, including having to swallow many indignities in life. In the olden days, this mole would be cauterized and removed.

If moles are found behind the shoulder blade, they invite backstabbing and lots of politicking. You will have a hard time escaping the slings and arrows aimed at you unless you remove this mole. It is no fun being betrayed, so it is much better to remove this mole.

Forehead
People who have a mole on their forehead will be prosperous and well settled in life.

Cheek
A mole on either cheek indicates a serious and studious person who has no interest in material pleasures.

Lips
People with a mole on their lips always aspire to get ahead in life.

Chin
A mole on either side of the chin indicates a well-rounded individual with nice personality like affectionate, caring, adaptable, law-abiding, dedicated, hardworking and responsible person.

Nose
A mole on the nose belongs to a person who is a sincere and conscientious individual.

Ear
These people are born under the lucky star.

Eye
If the mole is located on the outer corner of the eye, this indicates that the person is honest, reliable and forthright.

Eyebrow
If a mole is located on the right eyebrow, it signifies a person with a highly active life and successful in all ventures.

Foot
People with a mole on their foot are easy going and laid back who need to exercise to stay healthy.

Moles near the front part of the feet of a man denotes a life filled with travel both for pleasure as well as for work. If the mole is small and is a dot, it suggests happiness in travel. When the mole is too large, it suggests that travel brings problems.

Thigh/legs
A mole or moles found on the inside thighs of men is an indication of inheritance luck, so there is a possibility of you being left a small fortune by some relative. You are charismatic and popular. On women, it suggests that wealth will come from your own efforts.

Moles on the lower leg are not such a good indication, as these suggest there is hardship and suffering that you have to endure in your life.

Located slightly lower at the back of the thighs, this mole tells of one who is very knowledgeable and intelligent. This is a person who can be depended upon.

Heel
People who possess a mole on their heel make enemies easily and are prone to losing friends. It signifies a person who can be rather heartless.

Hip
A mole on any part of the hip except the buttocks signifies that these people are contented, resilient and spirited.

Knee
If you have a mole on your right knee, it implies that you are a friendly person.

A mole on the left knee signifies that these people lead an extravagant lifestyle.

If your mole is located on the back of your knee, you have to endure a life that is lacking in the good things.

Special features

Significance of Twin Moles

When there are twin moles irrespective of their location, the person possesses a dual nature. The presence of two moles, side by side, is indicative of a person being in love with two people.

Significance of shapes in Moles

(a) Round: A round mole signifies the goodness in people.
(b) Oblong: An oblong mole depicts a modest share of acquired wealth.
(c) Angular: An angular mole suggests that the individual has both positive and negative characteristics.

Significance of Moles based on colour

(a) Light Coloured Moles: Those who have light coloured moles are considered lucky.
(b) Black Moles: This denotes that a person would have to surmount obstacles in order to achieve the desired results.

Source: http://www.wofs.com/index.php?option=com_content&Itemid=38&task=view&id=81

English lessons (+ jokes)

 

Nouns and words

Some examples of anthropomorphic collectives nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are most familiar with ……                                                                     

A FLOCK OF DUCKLINGS  


A GAGGLE OF GEESE 

How about A HERD OF COWS?

A PRIDE OF LIONS


AN EXALTATION OF DOVES


How about A MURDER OF CROWS?


Few people are familiar with:

A PARLIAMENT OF OWLS


They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and sex-perverted of all primates -  A CONGRESS OF BABOONS!


Watch your words too!

Ever noticed how deleting one word after the other in a sentence can lead to a story?

Here’s an example:

Oh John please don’t touch me at all…!
Oh John please don’t touch me at…!
Oh John please don’t touch…!
Oh John please don’t…!
Oh John please…!
Oh John..!
Oh…!

Each word in a sentence is important.  Let us attempt to use the right words to convey a message correctly each time.

Enough of serious stuffs, let us learn English the fun way….

Punctuation

An English professor wrote the following words:

”A woman without her man is nothing” on the board and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

 

All the males in the class wrote:

 

“A woman, without her man, is nothing.”

 

All the females in the class wrote:

 

“A woman: without her, man is nothing.”

 

Grammar

 

A secretary got an expensive Mont Blanc fountain pen as a birthday gift from her boss.

 

She sent him a “Thank You” note to his personal email.  His wife happened to read it and filed for a divorce.

 

The contents read: Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last nite.  It has extraordinary smooth flow and firm strokes.  For a start, its tip has to be licked to bring out some drips and is equally good on both sides.  I love its perfect size and grip.  It gives me a heavenly feel when in use. 

 

My desire to own it finally with you fulfilling my wish. Thanks for allowing me to keep it forever.

 

Description

 

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

 

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

 

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

 

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

 

‘Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel (cigar brand).’

 

The pharmacist fainted.

Word origin
 

If you have time for some creative scrabble on WORDS – read on….

DORMITORY:

 

When you rearrange the letters:

DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:

 

When you rearrange the letters:

BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION:

 

When you rearrange the letters:

A ROPE ENDS IT

THE MORSE CODE:

 

When you rearrange the letters:

HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:

 

When you rearrange the letters:

CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:

 

When you rearrange the letters:

IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW:

 

When you rearrange the letters:

WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:

 

When you rearrange the letters:

ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S

A DECIMAL POINT: 

 

 When you rearrange the letters:

IM A DOT IN PLACE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO

When you rearrange the letters:

TWELVE PLUS ONE

Mind your language

1. A daughter sent a telegram to her father on passing her B. Ed exams, which the father received as “Father, your daughter has been successful in BED.”

Morale of the Story:  Double proof read everything before you send.

2. A husband, while on a business trip to a hill station sent a telegram to his wife “I wish you were here.”

The message received by the wife was “I wish you were her.”

Morale of the Story: Don’t trust others to write it right for you.

3. A man wanted to celebrate his wife’s birthday by throwing a party. So he called to order a birthday cake. The staff at the confectionary shop asked him what message he wanted put on the cake.

He thought for a moment and said, “put getting older but you are getting better”.

The salesperson asked “How do you want the wordings to be done?”

The man said ‘Well … put “You are getting older” at the top and “but you are getting better” at the bottom.’

When the cake was unveiled at the party, all the guests were aghast at the message on the cake.

It read: “You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom.”

Morale of the Story:  Don’t order cakes by telephone.

ORIGIN of words  

In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. That’s where the phrase, “Goodnight, sleep tight” came from!

The “Rule of the thumb” is derived from an old English law that stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4000 years ago that for a month  after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the “honeymoon.”

In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you had the consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King and he gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having sex. The placard had  F.U.C.K. (Fornication Under Consent of King) on it. Now you know where that came from.

Strange Happenings (jokes)

If you have read these online jokes before, please pass on to someone who needs cheering up.... 

 

Case 1: See you tomorrow!

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
 

Meanwhile.... somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've reached
Date: September 6, 2012

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here; we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones. I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW!

Your loving Hubby

Case 2: Toilet

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other cubicle saying: “Hi, how are you?”

I’m not the type to start a conversation in the men’s restroom but I do not know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,

“Doin’ just fine!”

And the other guy says: “So what are you up to?”

What kind of question is that? At that point, I’m thinking this is too bizarre so I say: “Uhhh, I’m like you, just traveling!”

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. “Can I come over?”

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him..

“No……..I’m a little busy right now!!!”

Then I hear the guy say nervously…

“Listen, I’ll have to call you back.

There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!”

Case 3:  Father is me!

Two Priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their “tourist” garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a “drop dead gorgeous” topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They could not help but stare. As the blond passed them she smiled and said:

“Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father.” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them.

Once again, in their new attire, settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said:

“Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father.” and started to walk away.
One of the Priests couldn’t stand it any longer and said.

“Just a minute young lady”

” “Yes, Father?”

“We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?”

“Father, it’s me, Sister Angela.” she replied.

"A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words"

This photo of a Chinese boy about to pee and a chicken staring at his wee wee mistaken for an 'edible worm'. The boy returns a threatening stare,"don't you dare to pick my worm".

The photo won Year 2011 Taipei First Prize Photography Award.

The LAW of the SEEDS

 

Before taking your next bite of the apple, spare a thought for what it can mean and change your outlook of life....

 

Take a look at an apple tree. There may be 500 apples on the tree, but each fruit has just 10 seeds. In total, there are plenty of seeds! You may ask why Nature provides us with so many seeds to grow just a few more apple trees?"

Nothing profound really. The answer simply lies in the fact: NOT ALL SEEDS GROW. IN LIFE, MOST SEEDS NEVER GROW.

So if you really want to make something happen, you had better try more than once or many multiples."

Which means you have:

- To attend 20 interviews to get one job.

- To interview 40 people to find one good employee.

- To talk to 50 people to sell one house, one car, one vacuum cleaner, one insurance policy or a business idea.

- To meet 100 acquaintances just to find one special friend.

When we understand the "Law of the Seed", we no longer get so disappointed.

+ We stop feeling so lousy.

+ We learn how to deal with things that happen to us.

Law of nature is not meant to be taken personally. We just need to understand and work around it.

EXPECTATIONS

+ SUCCESSFUL people fail more often but they plant MORE seeds.

+ When Things Are BEYOND your control, here is something that you must NOT DO so as to avoid misery in your life:

- You must not decide how you think the world SHOULD BE.

- You must not make rules for how everyone SHOULD BEHAVE.

Then, when the world does not obey your rules, you get ANGRY! That is what MISERABLE people do!

On the other hand, let us say you expect that:

- Friends SHOULD return favours.

- People SHOULD appreciate you.

- Trains SHOULD arrive on time.

- Everyone SHOULD be honest.

- Your family or best friend SHOULD remember your birthday.

These expectations may sound reasonable but often, these things would not happen all the time!

So you end up frustrated and disappointed!!

There's a better strategy. Demand LESS, and instead, have preferences!

For things that are beyond your control, tell yourself:

"I WOULD PREFER "A", BUT IF "B" HAPPENS, IT'S OK TOO!"

This is really a change in mindset. It is a shift in ATTITUDE, and it gives you more peace of mind.

- You prefer that people are polite ... but when they are rude, it does not ruin your day.

- You prefer sunshine ... but if it rains, it is fine too!

To become happier, we either need to -

a) Change the world or

b) Change our thinking.

It is easier to change our Thinking!

IN A NUTSHELL -

It is not the problem that is the issue, but rather it is your ATTITUDE attending to the problem that is the problem.

It is not what happens to you that determine your happiness. It is how you think about what happens to you!

Enjoy the flowers in blossom and the succulent fruit of success!!

80th Floor

Before you take the next step up, check if you have left behind any luggage. This is an interesting story we should not miss as time is moving back whilst life is moving forward.....

There were two brothers living together on the 80th level of a block. On coming home one day, they were told that the lifts were not working and had to climb the stairs up.

After struggling to the 20th level, panting and exhausted, they decided to abandon their bags and pick up later. Dragging their feet again, they eventually got to the 40th level. By then the younger brother started to grumble and both of them began to quarrel. The journey up the flights of steps was nothing but tiff till the 60th floor was reached.

Noting that there were only 20 levels more to go, they decided to talk peace. Silently they ascended jerkily with the last breath to reach their home finally. Each stood calmly before the door and waited for the other to open up. Only at that moment did they realise that the key was in their bags which were left behind on the 20th floor.

If you find yourself laughing at their foolishness, it is about time you ponder about what you want in life.

Moral of the story:

This story is a reflection on our lives. Many of us live for the expectations of our parents, teachers and friends when we were young. We seldom get to do the things that we really like or love.

It is under so much pressure and stress that by our early 20s, we get tired and decided to dump this load and enjoy life. Being free of the stress and pressure, we work enthusiastically and have ambitious dreams.

However, by the time we reach our 40s, we start to lose our vision and along with that, our dreams and goal in life. We began to feel unsatisfied and start to complain and criticize. We live a life of misery as we are never satisfied.

Reaching 60, we realize that we have little time left for complaining and began to walk the final episode in peace and calmness. We think that there is nothing left that could disappoint us, only to realize that we cannot rest in peace because we have an unfulfilled dream. A dream we abandoned at our 20s.

So what is your dream? Keep them alive. Follow your dreams so that you will not live with regrets and you will have stories to share with your loved ones.

Have you drop/abandoned (lost) your bags (dreams) some where along the busy lifestyle/working life?

Ask yourself now, what have you achieve so far? If you continue to do what you are doing now, what will you be achieving in 2 years from now in future?

Is this what you want from life? Is this the kind of lifestyle you want? Are you satisfied with it?

If you HAVE already achieve what you want. Give yourself a loud applause.

If you HAVE NOT, then are you doing something about it? Have you got a plan?

If you still have NOT DONE ANTHING what are you waiting for? You only live this life once, time which have passed will not return. What are you waiting for?

DONT LIVE A LIFE TO REGRET WHEN YOU ARE AT THE 80TH FLOOR!

Dream BIG dream and go for it....

*---- Quote of the Week ----*

"You become what you think about."

- Earl Nightingale